BEATING MY BATTLE WITH SEVERE ANXIETY?

These past two weeks have been so strange. I've felt carefree, young and most importantly happy. These are some emotions I haven't truly felt since about 4th or 5th grade. It's something I've been yearning for since I was 12/13 and now at 19 nearly 20, I've finally gotten my wish. 

(Check out my other posts on my anxiety/depression/emet in the 'Mental Health' tab on my page!) 

 My struggle with mental illness is something I've been very open about with you all and I've shared about my highs and lows and everything in between. Being that i'm so open, it's no secret to you all that I take medication in order to keep me 'in check'. 

At the moment, my doctor and I are still testing out new medications, trying to figure out which ones will not only help me, but agree with my body as well. Over this last year, I've come to learn that my body is very sensitive to SSRI's and most of the time when trying out a new medication, my body can only handle a very low dosage it (one way too low to even see if it'd have a positive effect). It got to a point where I was completely fed up and it sparked up my depression again. The depression wasn't as severe as I had experienced before, but it was enough to bring some of those not-so-nice thoughts back into my head. I didn't want to be someone who had to depend on medication to be 'normal' in the first place, and the fact that I was putting all these drugs into my body for pretty much no reason at all it just didn't sit well with me. But I felt stuck, I felt like this was my last chance at getting better and I just had to suck it up and deal with it because there was literally nothing else I could do. I can say, though, one thing that kept (and continues to) my hope up through all this is you guys. I've never felt so loved and cared for in my entire life. It still blows my mind that people I've never met, people from all over the world and of different ages care enough to send me sweet words of encouragement or even share their story of struggle with me. The endless amounts of emails saying how happy you guys are that I'm sharing my story or how inspiring I am, or even all of  you that say I made you want to create your own blog so you can start speaking out and helping others too, it just makes me so happy. I don't ever want to let you guys down and I want to be that example of a person who did get better, the person who went from being at the bottom of the pit to finally finding the light of happiness. I tell you guys thank you all the time, so much so you probably find me super annoying now, but I seriously do mean it and I cant express my gratitude enough. 

When I went to the doctor next, I decided I would continue you on with the search of a medication and she put me on wellbutrin along with my usual xanax. I started off with taking one 75 mg pill and everything was fine, no side effects other than a loss of appetite so we decided to move up to two 75 mg's a day. I ended up stopping because along with the lack of appetite I started to feel sick. After a while I ended up deciding that I wanted to try and start up again and thankfully I ended up being able to handle it better this time around and we even decided to up the dosage again (all still 75 mg, and still not a big enough dosage to have a postitive effect). After about a week of being on this medication again, I started getting really bad headaches, rarely ate and even ended up getting a cavity because of it. The cavity is totally random, but I've never in my life gotten one and getting one now came as a shock to me. I had this random thought pop into my head that maybe this medication had been the cause of it. While still at the dentist pouting and in denial, I puled out my phone and looked it up. I found out that not only myself but tons of others on wellbutrin had developed either cavities or tooth decay as well and that was the last straw for me. I completely stopped the medication for good and only stuck to the xanax. 

It's been about 2 1/2 weeks since I've stopped it and my life feels like it's completely changed. I've gone out places for hours with absolutely no anxiety at all. That in itself is so crazy to me and is such a strange feeling. It's so foreign and i'm constantly like "what is going on?" "is this what it feels like to actually be able to do things?!" I won't lie, there are some days where I go back into my little shell and second guess going out or doing something, but the want to do stuff outweighs it for sure. For the first time in like 7 years, I finally feel free. I feel like a teenager. It sucks that I'm in the last few months of being one, but that doesn't mean I can't live it up. I'm not whats triggered this lack of anxiety, is it the left over wellbutrin still in my body or did I beat my battle with anxiety? Maybe I'm just in a happy period and all the anxiety will come rushing back next week, who knows.. I know I don't. But, what I do know is that I'm so happy right now and I'm going to soak this all up while I can. 

I'm not sure why I decided to make this post, maybe so I can come back in the future and be able to re-experience what I'm feeling at this very moment in the future. I hope you guys are all doing well and enjoying yourselves! Love you lots ♥

KROSS x 

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