change is good, change is needed

"Change can be scary, but you know what's scarier? Allowing fear to stop you from growing, evolving and progressing."

A lot has changed for me during these past 5 months, especially so now. I've been pretty MIA on the social media scene, aside from twitter, keeping it lowkey and trying to deal with all the curveballs life has been throwing at me recently. It's weird, you know? Going from being so passionate and invested in something, to that love you once held for it being snatched away in just the blink of an eye. What makes it even worse is not having any sort of explanation as to why it's gone. 

Who did it? 
What triggered it? 
Why did I let myself give up something that brought me so much joy so easily?

Initially this whole blog started as a way for me to learn to express my feelings and finally be open about what I was and am still dealing with in regards to my mental health. I created this space for not only myself, but you all as well to come to and feel safe, feel understood and like you had this little/older sister depending on your age that you could always come to no matter the topic or situation. It was all meant to be very light hearted, raw and with no sense of falsification at all. At some point, though, I lost myself and I had come to the realization that it had all just changed.

I feel a sense of guilt for not posting much, or at all even, over the course of the last few months. The lack of interest hasn't just been with posts either, it's been blogging as a whole. I hadn't even logged on to my blogger account in almost two months. It's just easier to say life has gotten busy rather than delving into it and trying to find the real cause. Don't get me wrong - life has been extremely busy, way too overwhelming at times, but there have always been those breaks in between where I could've attempted to get stuff done but chose not to. 

Companies and networks had be contacting me, I had been getting invited to these events that I'd always see pictures and videos of online, but never thought I'd get the chance to go to. I'd gotten to a point where I was mingling with people and rubbing elbows in the same room as all of my favorite bloggers and youtubers. The direction I had been going was what most bloggers are yearning and constantly putting in hard work to achieve.  Don't get me wrong, it was so fun and I loved all of it and still very much do, but what I didn't like so much was that I was becoming this person that I wasn't - a more subdued version of myself. I kept a lot more quiet, constantly overthinking every little thing and even started questioning whether or not I should say certain things or word them a different way because I "had to come off as professional at all times" in case any companies came to my profile or all the new friends I was making would think differently of me. It was so ridiculous and I'm still frazzled at the fact that I even started to feel that way in the first place. To make it worse, I know I'm not the only blogger (or content creator in general) who has or is currently feeling this way. 

 To put it simply, I was going back to my old ways - keeping everything bottled up and I didn't like that. Instead of sticking it through like I normally would have, my fleeing response was activated and I just to let it go all together. No explanation, no need to list the pros and cons of my decision, it was fight or flight - and flight won.

“The way I see it, our natural human instinct is to fight or flee that which we perceive to be dangerous. Although this mechanism evolved to protect us, it serves as the single greatest limiting process to our growth." 
― Charles F. Glassman

This year has been filled with what feels like a never ending game of lost and found. I lose myself and then I find myself, only to lose myself again just a short time later. Aside from some of the negative aspects that have been affecting me, a lot of good has been happening as well. Within these last 2 weeks - I turned 21, went for an interview + got through it with little to no anxiety, I got hired making it my first official job and I've successfully worked nearly 2 weeks there so far. Even with the minor bumps in the road, everything still seem to be falling into place overall and I'm happy.

 So, I was sat here thinking "what could possibly make this already great milestone in my life even better?" - Starting up TUGC again of course! From personal storytimes, fashion posts, makeup looks, advice and mental health topics, they'll all be back on the blog and better than ever (trust me, I have a lot to catch you guys up on!).

So,here we are you guys... New theme, new style, new age and a whole new chapter. 

Welcome to The Ugly Girls Club!

All the love,

K x