Happiness is something that has been missing from my life for some time now. With nine years and counting, that emotion seems so foreign to me. It was a constant routine of sleep, sleep, sleep, take my medicine and more sleep. There was never any room for much more than self pity and a lack of motivation.
I found myself constantly making resolutions to "try" and be happy again, to "try" and enjoy the things I use to, but the thing is - you get so caught up into this cycle that you feel as though all those things you want to achieve are just too far out of your reach. That mindset has a negative effect on your current state, thus making it even worse.
I'm not sure what changed, or what clicked in my head, but I was finally about to make those resolutions/wishes come true recently. For a couple of months now, I've been doing things I could have only dreamt of doing when I was 15. In the mist of it all, I'd catch myself taking a second to take it all in; "Wow, this is actually happening. This is real. I'm actually doing it.". I can't even begin to explain the joy, and just overall contentment these little achievements bring to my heart.
Yes, I'm able to go out with my cousins, take some adventures with friends occasionally and even take a walk to my local store on my own - but by no means is this easy. My anxiety is the same, my struggles and limitations are the same, the only thing that has changed is how I deal with and choose to handle certain situations. It's not always happy-go-lucky with me. I find myself in a marathon of good days ('good' meaning I still have anxiety, but I'm able to control it and cope enough to have a bit of fun) only for it to come to a halt by the smallest thing. Whether that be a memory, a panic attack, any sort of trigger can set me off and have me running back to my old ways.
Just recently, I had my first really bad panic attack of 2017 when I was out with a friend and it was pretty hard on me. I remember coming home and feeling really down, I kept telling myself I had been doing so good and now this happened. It puts a damper on the positivity you've taken so long to build up. I've come to learn, the best way to handle situations like this is to get your frustration out, analyze it, accept that it's happened and move on.
I can't lie, after I had the panic attack that night, the thought of hanging out with that friend again was the furthest thing from my mind. The excitement was gone; not because I was upset or no longer enjoyed the persons company, but because the situation turns into some sort of cut. The only thing that consumes your mind is that panic attack/anxiety you had and how there's a chance it'll happen again, that the cut will be tampered with and become a fresh wound again.
No matter how much it sucks, no matter how much overthinking you do or how sick you make yourself feel, it will be okay. Throw some Neosporin and a bandaid on it and push yourself through full force. You can do it. You will do it.
I wish I had the magic answer to what helped me get to where I stand right now, but I don't. The best advice I can give is to not let your set backs continue to set you back. Accept that they've happened and will happen again and continue on with your life. You have to remove yourself from that cycle of constantly letting that worry stop you until you're left with nothing. Appreciate and congratulate yourself on your achievements, no matter how small you may think they seem, it's a big deal. Always remember to take in every bit of those good moments you have and use them as motivation on your down days.
Go out, meet new friends, connect with old friends, open up about your struggles, share coping mechanisms, become comfortable with yourself - give yourself the chance to live your life because you deserve it. Don't let anyone make you feel as though you're a burden due to your limitations, don't accept anything less than you deserve. You know what you can and can't do, you know how difficult certain things are for you, move at your own pace when attempting to correct and overcome these fears.
Here's to a good year for not only myself, but to all you lovely people reading this and dealing with these crippling illnesses on a daily. This is my year of growth, experiencing new things, making my happiness a priority and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Make it yours too!
If you're new to my blog, you can check out my old posts about my anxiety, depression, agoraphobia and emetophobia here.
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