LEARNING TO BE HAPPY AGAIN || MENTAL HEALTH DIARIES #6

One of the best emotions anyone can feel is happiness. Over the past 7/8 years, it's the one I've completely lost touch with. It's a feeling that has become so foreign to me, I'm not even sure I'm okay with feeling it. 

I don't want to speak for everyone when I say this, but im sure a good amount of you who deal with anxiety, depression or any other form of mental illness will relate to what I'm about to say.

We've be through such a roller coaster of emotions, both the highs and the lows - most of which are unfortunately lows, our minds have adapted and made it our 'normal'. Though it's a negative way of thinking, us constantly expecting the worst in a situation is our key to survival. 

With that thought process etched into our brains, when those very rare moments of happiness or joy do come, we're completely lost on what to do or feel. At times, some of us even wish for that happy feeling to go away because its too far off from that 'new normal' we've made our self accustomed to.  

A lot of the time, I know some of us are faced with that question "what's the worst that can happen?" and some people may ask it not meaning to be rude or unaccomodating, but what they fail to realize is that we know exactly what the worse thing that can happen is. The worse that can happen is exactly why we're so afraid of being happy. 

We're so busy wondering why we're all of a sudden able to do things and constantly asking ourselves when the little 'spell' will wear off, instead of actually enjoying it. 

It's one of that things I despise about myself, all the negativity I have inside. Going from a girl who was so happy, active and constantly smiling and cracking jokes, to someone who's lucky enough to feel well enough once every weeks to actually go out and get out of bed for some fresh air for a few minutes. It's a difficult thing to cope with, and it's something that's really hard to beat. 

The reason I'm even typing this post up is because for about a month I feel into a very deep depression and my anxiety was at an all time high (the reasoning behind my unannounced blog hiatus). The things I was feeling, I hadn't felt since I was about 15. I was so terrified that I was going to go back to that place again, and I think everyone around me was scared for me too. 

My doctor took notice and upped my current medication and also prescribed me Paxil and Efforxor, in case the Paxil hasn't worked out. (Side note: Please, please don't take those anti-depressants, I've heard such horrible things about them and the weening process is like coming off a hard drug. If your doctor brings either of those up to you, please ask if he has any other recommendations. I took Paxil for a day and stopped after that, the side effects lasted 3 days and it was hell. So imagine taking it for longer! I just want you guys to be healthy and safe.) I ended up throwing out the new medications and sticking to the up dosage of my usual medication and I can't tell you how energized and motivated I feel. My doctor perscribed that I took two daily, but while I'm home I only use one. A few days ago was when I first took the two and I literally survived the whole day with no panic attacks at all. I did still have a bit of anxiety, but no where near the amount I would've had, had I not have taken the two. 

Yesterday was the second time I took two and it was an even better experience. I felt so genuinely happy, you guys. Like I can't even begin to explain the joy of finally just being able to go out and enjoy time with people. I was hanging with my grandparents, we were outside just chilling, talking, DIYing and just having such a good time. It was so good and I'm just so thankful that I got to experience it. Later in the day, I even felt well enough to suggest is to go see my other cousin (which never happens!) and I had tons of fun there too. 

I don't know if it's the increased medication, my mind, or what, but I'm so genuinely content with everything right now. I just want to go out with my friends and have fun times. I really hope that this is what I've been looking for, for the past 7/8 years. I hope this good feeling lasts because I want to do more with myself and I know if I continue feeling the way I do, I could do just that. 

I'm not going to dwell on it and I'm most definitely not going to dwell on it. I'll make sure to keep you guys updated with how everything is going. I hope you guys are all doing great too.. I want to see all of you happy with big smiles on your beautiful faces!! 

Thank you for all the sweet, encouraging comments, tweets and emails. They mean more than you know. Love you tons xxxx 

                          Kristina