Rocketship Park has been around since the 60's and was the "it" place to be in middle school. Every weekend you would be able to find friends and fellow classmates scattered across the hill. It was one place I had yearned to go since I was about 13, but that want had been halted by my anxiety -- up until last night.
About 8 years later, at 21 years old, I finally got to stand at the edge of Rocketship Park and take in all the city lights. I can 100% say that moment was so worth the wait. At one point during my trip, I found myself sat on a bench with someone who's became a quick friend of mine. As we pointed out different landmarks, cities and lights we delved into some of our current struggles and wants for this new year.
I spoke about how I'm currently experiencing this "break" in between my episodes of anxiety, and how I've finally been able to both cope and live in the moment at the same time - something that's been difficulty in the past. I mentioned how I never thought I'd ever be sat here on a bench, overlooking all of LA feeling so carefree and normal. Feeling quite silly gushing about how excited I was about literally just sitting on this random piece of land, I'd constantly downplay it by saying "I know this isn't a huge thing" or "I know it's a normal day activity". But it was a huge thing and it wasn't a "normal day activity" for me and I'm entirely grateful that my friend humored me and went along with how excited I was.
With any sort of mental illness, it's quite hard to enjoy any "easy" days you have because the constant dread of it ending is always lingering in the back of your mind. It's sort of like "okay, yeah, I'm having fun now, but in a few minutes/hours my mood could completely switch and ruin it all". I didn't allow it to take that happiness from me this time though. I took in every bit and piece of the view, genuine conversation, and company as much as I possibly could.
To make the night even that more impressive for someone like me, we ended up making a late night food run to a restaurant near our homes. I will admit the hours leading up to going to the park initially and leaving the park I did experience some anxiety. At one point it was enough to make me want to cancel and give in and ask to be taken home, but I pushed through. And I'm proud of myself for doing that, the anxiety passed and all was good again.
Thank you to my super lame, but sometimes (kinda) cool friend, Nic, for constantly pushing me to try new things and for being so patient and understanding with me. Thank you for unknowingly making me realize it's okay for me to let knew people in and even though I may have some baggage, it'll never be enough for someone not to want to deal with. Thank you for all the adventures you've taken me on and the ones to hopefully come in the future!
Learning to live with this anxiety thing is draining, but I'm getting there slowly but surely. I adore every one of you who take the time to read my posts, send me a message or trust me enough to confide in me. If you've read any of my previous pieces from over the years, you know how much of a huge deal this is for me. I hope that I'll continue on this path, along with all of you. If you're feeling stuck and unmotivated, don't get too down on yourself. Everyday is a new start, continue to search for that rock to help aid you in getting up.
Now let's end this very cheesy post with an even cringier quote (that he specifically told me not to put on her but I am anyone's because I do what I want) from the man himself:
"Bringing in the new year with the lights" - Nic Miller, Jan. 2017
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