relationships via an anxious mind

Long before even getting into my current relationship, mental health has been heavy on my mind; in a different way than normal. I find that articles and twitter threads on ways to be there for your partner who has a mental illness are common and spoke about frequently, but the worries the person (with the mental illness) hold often go untold. 

I’ve never really been someone who yearned to be in a relationship. The thought of boys and love were the furthest thing from my mind throughout my teens to twenties; my well-being taking up the majority of my interests. While my friends were out on the town mingling with cute college boys, you could find me alone at home in bed with my face being lit up by the bright screen of my iPhone. 

“Do you have a boyfriend?” “Why don’t you come out with us?” “Can I hook you up with one of my friends?” were questions that constantly filled the air around me, the answer always being “no” followed by an awkward laugh. No one really understood why I was so stand offish, a lot of the time it was assumed I was already in some sort of ‘super secret’ relationship. Wrong. If I couldn’t even open up to myself, how could I open up to a complete stranger? 

There was some sort of fear there too, I guess. That fear was never of rejection or the person themselves, it was more so of having to go through the process of learning to trust someone enough to allow myself to feel comfortable around them. Comfortable meaning I was able to be 100% myself - silly Kristina and the anxious/depressed Kristina. Having to explain and constantly try to help your significant other understand your limitations and triggers is both tiresome and frustrating. I felt it would be more of a burden to me than it would be positive. On top of that, there was the risk of getting attached and then breaking up. This person became a part of your everyday routine - familiar. This human who was once your safe place comes crashing down into tiny pieces, leaving you with no spot to take refuge in. 

I couldn’t tell you what changed this year, the thoughts and feelings were still there, but they no longer had a strong grip on me. I mingled and I met amazing guys, most of which are now incredible friends of mine, I was this new person. The streak came to an end when I got my heart broken - or what I thought was a broken heart at the time. I’ve now come to realize it was far from that, it was a lot less dramatic and a lot more of me just getting my feelings hurt. That’s a story for another time, though. After this situation happened, I found myself lost. Like I had predicted before, I had used him to stay afloat. Whilst drowning, I searched for him in other guys I would talk to, desperately reaching out for my life raft. I didn’t find it, but I did find myself. 

Fast forward a few months, I had got my mojo back - this time all on my own. My view on things had changed and I found out how to handle situations differently. Even though all the previous worries are still here, and are probably here to stay, when you come to the realization that you will always be there for yourself, no matter who’s there and who isn’t, that’s when it all changes. Getting your heart broken, having to break off a relationship, being cheated on, whatever it is - you have it all under control. It’s natural to want to lean and rely on someone and there’s nothing wrong with that, but the truth is you’ve had it under control before them and you still will after. You are your main support beam. You are every bit of power behind how tall and strong you stand. 

If a relationship is something you’re wanting, but your anxious thoughts are holding you back - let them go and allow life to happen. Allow yourself to feel the joys of companionship and love. If a relationship isn’t what you’re looking for at the moment, don’t force it. It is what it is.

You’re the source of your happiness, pride, strength, creativity and so much more. Anyone added to your life is just that - an addition to all your positive feelings and attributes. It’s you, you, you.